How to Fix Everything
by CloserToTheClouds
Summary: Another version of Degrassi Goes Hollywood, deals with self harm so be warned. There really is no good summary for this one
1. Always Under the Surface

**Author's Note: This is totally one of my first fanficitons ever, so try and be a little nice, please? That's not to say constructive criticism isn't welcome**. **Reviews would be so so so amazing. If not just to know it's actually being read. This is one of my versions of the Degrassi Goes Hollywood Movie, I do not however own anything. Not the characters, setting, some of the dialog, ect ect. I am not that amazing and I never will be. It is Ellie centric, with a lot of Paige.**

Her eyes water as she looks over and sees the young man dressed in his military uniform. The flow gets harder to stop as he lifts his small daughter in the air, giving her a big bear hug. Lip quivering as she hears her best friend's words.

"Hey, are you alright?" Marco asked, slightly concerned.

"I'm fine, yeah, the LA air is so dry," Ellie answers as she hides her emotions.

Maybe if Paige didn't just walk up, he would have seen through the act. But then again, he doesn't know what's going on. Going around L.A. was fun for all three of them, for the most part. After the initial excitement of seeing the giant house she would be staying in, Ellie turned to Marco and Paige. "I think I'm going to go take a nap…or something." Marco agreed it would be a good idea, and Paige decided to work on her lines. Neither noticed the shakiness of her voice as she said "or something."

When she got into her room, Ellie started unpacking. Her favorite pjs, toiletries, tons of jeans, a bunch of shirts among other things. Her shirts consisted of mostly three quarter sleeves, a couple long sleeves. One item she found in her bag was from the last time she had used it, having completly forgotten it was there, her old CD case. Slowly she took the zipper and slid it around the outside, as if she was opening some sort of ancient treasure. Inside, near her punk rock CDs, was still her collection of rubber bands, razors and a small xacto knife as well as Band-Aids and things to clean out her old wounds. She had been bad at dealing with things, not stupid.

A million thoughts raced through the red heads mind as she saw her supplies for the first time in so long. Her head swimming in memories.

"_Ew, Ellie you're bleeding"_  
"_Oh yeah, I..I hit my arm on the..thing"_

"_Ellie I saw."_  
"_I hit my arm; I'm going to file a complaint with the janitor."_  
"_Bull"_  
"_Pardon me?"_  
"_Why would you do that to yourself? Does it feel good or what? Look, okay, I totally get that you don't wanna talk to me but.."_  
"_My arms fine"_  
"_I'm not talking about your arm, you need to talk to someone like Ms. Sauve or"_  
"_All I need is for you to leave me alone like you normally do!"_

"_Look I don't care if you get mad, what you're doing is dangerous, okay, it's scary."_  
"_You can't handle it, you have to take away the one thing that matters"_  
"_What are you talking about?"_  
"_You want my co-op job"_  
"_I don't care about the stupid job you're hurting yourself! This is beyond me, I don't know how to help you but Sauve will"_  
"_I don't need help!"_  
"_Then show me your arm"_  
"_There's nothing wrong with me!!"_  
"_Then show me your arm! Ellie, Ellie please. Show me your arm"_

"_I guess it was the only pain I could control"_

"_I thought you stopped cutting"_  
"_I did, I, I just didn't wanna leave it there. I wouldn't lie to you about this"_

"_Pick one mom! Knife, razor,"  
"What are you doing? What is this?_  
"_What's best for me mom, because if I stay here I'm gonna do it again. You're making me do it again"_  
"_Ellie,"_  
"_This is what it costs; your drinking made me cut myself"_

"_Craig, I used to cut myself, and what's bizarre is that I'm always gonna be a cutter, even if I don't do it for years its still me"_

It's been so long, years since she last used a sharp object against herself. She stopped using the rubber bands when she moved in with Marco and Paige. She has come so far, but like she said she will always be a cutter. Its part of her, it's in her blood. So maybe that's why she did what came next. She took a brand new razor, sucked in a lungful of air, and with only an addict's precision, made a brand new line of crimson on her recently clean skin. Beads of red bubbled up and spilled over the tiny slit in her skin. One wasn't enough; she added one more for every thought of everything that has gone wrong, everything she felt was her fault. By the time she was too exhausted to continue she had bloodied at least four towels. She flopped on the bed after cleaning up, her arms looking like they did when Paige caught her in the bathroom years ago. It had been so long, and although she should have cared about destroying years of progress she didn't. It had been so long, no one would notice.

She woke up early, added a few new cuts to her collection and threw on a long sleeved black shirt. Getting herself some breakfast she hoped her two friends wouldn't notice the long sleeves, considering L.A. was hot compared to Toronto. Lucky for her she was the first up, she grabbed some food and her book, plopped her feet on the counter and started reading. It wasn't long before Marco and Paige came down to practice the blonde's lines.

"You slept a while, you okay El?" Marco asked as he grabbed some orange juice

"Yeah, fine. Just jetlag I guess" she replied, lying through her teeth.

It was a good thing for Ellie that Paige was too self obsessed at the moment to question her, instead she went to the store to get some bacon for Paige. She had a major awkward moment when she ran into Craig.

"You look good"

"Yeah, clean and sober for a year now"

_I wish I could say the same_

She looked in Craig's eyes as they parted ways, and for just a second she thought he saw through her façade. He smiled and turned. _Guess not._ They would never guess haven't cut since 10th grade Ellie. They would never notice, which isn't a bad thing, right?


	2. Secrets Don't Always Stay Secret

**Author's Note: So my Degrassi Goes Hollywood got deleted from my DVR because it broke, so I have to use The Click which more than sucks so it's going to be a lot harder to write this. Also, sorry for the lack of update…school has been super busy.**

Despite what she thought, being in L.A. wasn't helping Ellie much. Paige kept bugging her to go to the studio, and Ellie wanted to but she couldn't. There'd be a lot of people there, even if none of them noticed it would be hot. Between the people, the lights, and all the equipment it was bound to be an inferno, at least too hot for long sleeves. She took her sweet time going to the Canadian store, getting Paige her much needed bacon.

_God, you're so pathetic, you can't even get through a few layers of skin! _ The scabs scattered on Ellie's arms weren't near as deep as she thought they'd be, needless to say this upset her. After her run in with Craig something in her snapped, Ellie was dragging that piece of metal across the untouched parts of her arm in the stall of a dirty public bathroom. It had been only a day since she had gotten to L.A. and already she didn't flinch as she made a mess of her arm. They say old habits die hard, but they really don't die at all, you just suppress them for a while until something makes them resurface. For Ellie it wasn't just cutting because that always led to the lying, the hurting others just to feel better.

Because of her recent binge, the clothes she brought would not be sufficient, so Ellie decided it was best to buy some new long sleeves so no one would catch on to her. _I must have gained weight if an extra small won't fit. I'm fat. Fatfatfatfatfat. No more nutty buddies for me, I need to take care of this as soon as I get back to the house._ Ellie could not stop thinking about what she saw in the mirror in the fitting rooms when she was shopping. She wouldn't make herself throw up, she couldn't do it. Funny, she could drag a sharp object across her skin until she had no blood left to bleed but she couldn't make herself throw up, or even stop eating. So instead she promised a cut for every piece of food that passed her lips. Finally she started the journey home.

* * *

"In case you didn't notice I had a panic attack in there and you just laughed at me. You know, I thought you would come to L.A. and be my friends but Ellie doesn't even wanna come to the studio and you're not on my side." It was the tone she had used a thousand and one times, Paige was angry and it showed.

"I am, Paige, it's gonna be okay."

"No it's not. I'm gonna get fired and have to go back to picking up after Haley's stupid dog!"

"I thought you were her stylist.." a confused Marco replied

"I was her assistant" And with that, Paige was answering her phone, storming out a mess.

Marco's phone started ringing, and when he looked to see who it was he was slightly surprised to see the screen read "Ellies moms house." _Why on Earth would Ellie's mom be calling me? _He flipped the phone open and answered the call. "Hi Mrs. Nash, what's up?"

* * *

The sound of high heels echoed and softened as Ellie ran across wood floors, and then carpet. After managing to pull herself together she became very excited about seeing Craig perform later that night.

"Okay, guess what!" Ellie could hardly wait to tell Marco who she ran into.

"You're mom called me," these were not the words she expected out of her friend's mouth, "she said you weren't answering your cell. Ellie, she told me your dad's back from Afghanistan."

"It's complicated." _It really isn't, he's back and hurt and I'm running away. I'm cutting again. I suck. It's that simple._

"I know. You're father's sick and you haven't even been to see him yet."

"Okay, I really don't wanna talk about this." Ellie shoved the bag from the Canadian store into a clearly upset Marco's arms.

"You can't just avoid it"

"Watch me" The clicking of heels fading as Ellie stormed upstairs.

She was at it again, pushing away the people she needed most. This is what cutting did, but in an addict's eyes the release was worth it.


	3. Worried Friends Don't Always Care

**Author's Note: Okay, it's been years since I've touched this. I had started a Pretty Little Liars fic that got deleted, and reviving this is a lot easier than starting that one over. I know the confrontation with Marco was short in the last chapter, but I'm going as close to the actual show as possible.**

Ellie couldn't believe her mother called Marco. As she was storming away her mind was already with her blades. To make matters worse, when she was going up the stairs she ran into Paige.

"Watch where you're going Ellie!" Paige was clearly annoyed, and she was clearly on her way out the door.

"Sorry," Ellie whispered, on the verge of tears.

If only Paige had looked Ellie in the eyes, maybe she would have seen something. Maybe she would have had a clue that Ellie needed her to be something other than the queen bee she was in high school. Instead they parted ways, Paige to meet Hayley and Ellie to meet her blades.

* * *

"I thought you'd hate me after I quit."

"When I heard you were going to this thing I was SO relieved. These young women in Hollywood losers are so lame." It was painfully obvious Hayley was using Paige, but of course Paige couldn't see that.

"Talk about lame. I flew my friends down here and they don't understand how important these events are." If only Paige knew her friend was upstairs staining her perfectly good towels.

"That's why famous people are friends with famous people. Cuz we get it."

"Paige, wait." Marco was relieved that Paige hadn't left yet. "I'm worried about Ellie."

"It's not the time Marco."

"Her dad's sick, and she's in total denial about it. She won't even talk to me."

"Our red carpet time is 8 o'clock." Hayley just couldn't be quiet for five minutes.

"Paige, Ellie's hurting."

"I'll talk to her. Tomorrow." Paige said, as she rolled her eyes at Marco's concern. "This is my first red carpet. I want to enjoy it." And with that, she got into the limo. _Ellie will be fine, won't she?_

* * *

Ellie was in the bathroom connected to her guest room. She knew she didn't have much time before Marco came upstairs, and she had to leave soon to meet Craig anyways. She tried to be as quick as possible, swiftly gliding a razor over her thigh. It was a lot easier to wear jeans than try to cover up her arms. And she had never cut her legs in high school. She could let the cuts on her arms heal while she slowly destroyed her legs. The feeling of cutting her legs was different than she was used to. People say that cutters only cut their arms for attention, but it isn't true. Every body part has a different feeling to it. Cutting somewhere bony is vastly different from cutting somewhere with fat. One of the cuts on Ellie's thigh split her leg open just enough to see the white fat inside before it started to bleed. It was scary, but not enough to stop. Just enough to get the adrenaline pumping. Enough for her to feel alive.

She put some bandaids on, a little disappointed that Marco hasn't come knocking yet. Maybe he never will. Maybe he doesn't care as much as he claimed. But it didn't matter, Ellie wanted this time alone. She cleaned herself up, grabbed a blade and stuck it in her pocket. Craig would make her feel better. He always did.


	4. You Were Supposed To Rescue Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, and most of the dialogue is from Degrassi Goes Hollywood.**

"For any girl that's unhappy

For any boy that is bad

Every mama gone missing

Every papa gone mad"

"Thank you, I'll be back in ten for my next set." Craig headed off the stage to greet Ellie.

"Hey! You came!" He had such a big smile on his face. "Where's, uh, Marco and Paige?"

"They wanted to come. They're...busy. But they send their love!"

"They're busy?" Craig said in a funny, joking, voice.

"Yeah, Paige had stuff to do and Marco and I kind of got into a fight." _Please don't ask what the fight was about. _

"Which you're not in the mood to talk about."

"Affirmative."

"Okay so what are you in the mood for?"

"Relaxing, which is practically impossible to do at Paige's mansion." _It's hard to relax when you have a case full of blades in your room._

"You could always crash with me."

"With _our_ track record, you really think that's a good idea?"

"Come on, we're both in different places now." If only Craig knew the truth. Ellie was exactly where they left off. "And my condo is right on the beach. And it's awesome. Total escape from everything."

There it was, Craig said the magic words. Total Escape. The deal was sealed, now all she had to do was go back to Paige's to pack her things. With any luck Marco and Paige would be out and she could slip away unnoticed.

* * *

Ellie was packing her things when Marco walked in. Of course she couldn't be lucky enough to stay alone.

"You're back."

"Not for long."

"You going home? To see your dad in the hospital?"

"I've decided to stay elsewhere."

"Where?"

"Craig's." She did not want to tell him this. Marco always becomes overprotective at the wrong time.

"Craig's?! Great idea El, replace one drama in your life with another one."

"There's no drama between Craig and me." Ellie was starting to raise her voice.

"Now. I still haven't forgiven him for the last round. Come on Ellie, this guy is bad news for girls. Especially you."

"I'm over him!" Now she was getting defensive. But that's what the bite of the blade does; it changes who you are. "And trust me. I know I don't need a relationship right now." _Relationships mean sex, and sex means being naked. You can't be naked with fresh cuts._

"Then what do you need?"

"A friend who doesn't judge me." _A friend who won't notice the pain._

"I promise. I won't mention your dad again. It' just – Ellie, I really think you're going to regret it if you don't go see him."

"Have fun with the movie crowd, Marco." Ellie was about to storm out.

Marco sighed and just turned his back. It was so easy for him to just walk away, let her go. He still had no idea his best friend was hurting herself again.

Ellie gathered her things and started to leave. In the kitchen she ran into Paige and Hayley, and Marco sulking in the corner. "If you need me I'll be at Craig's, trying to enjoy L.A."

"That's the spirit Eleanor!

* * *

"I still can't believe your ex slept with Caitlin." Craig was making tea while Ellie played guitar.

"I know, it's gross right?" Ellie felt bad, felt like she was intruding. And the urges were getting strong. She couldn't help but try to think of a way to get alone. That maybe going there was a mistake. "I should get out of your way, you probably have to get to the studio."

"No way, I've got the whole day planned out for us!"

"You do? You're not tired?" She was kind of hoping he was.

"No. But I got this song I want to play for you. I wrote it in rehab."

"I was switched off like a light

A fighter with no fight

Staring up at the stars

Giving into the dark

Burned out like a match

At the low end of the crash

The moon glowed like a scar

How did things go so far?

Somehow you saw someone worth saving

You pulled me back into the light

Now if ever I can rescue you

When you need two arms to fall into

You know exactly where I'll be

Just look for me

Oh look for me

When it seems like you have lost it all

Going deep into the blue

I will rescue you"

Ellie thought about the song all day while they walked on the beach. They chased the waves and skipped stones. They laughed until their stomachs hurt. Craig bought her a red balloon on the boardwalk because it matched her hair. It matched her passion. And he didn't know it, but it matched her thighs, her arms. But her wounds didn't matter because she was laughing a real laugh. She felt that maybe, just maybe, Craig _could _save her.

"So what happened with Ashley?" Ellie lost touch, so she didn't know Ash's side of the story. She was always jealous, but she couldn't let Ash know that.

"We went on tour in Europe. She stayed. And I came here."

"It's so peaceful out there. If I could swim, I'd wade out as far as I could go. Get away from everything." _Maybe I wouldn't come back. _"Thanks for the most amazing day. And for that song."

"I wrote it for you."

They walked the rest of the way to the condo with witty banter and flirty comments. When they got inside, they were talking about Johnny Depp because Ellie thought she saw him and Craig insisted he was in France. In the middle of their play fight Craig looks at her.

"God I missed you."

"Craig?" Both of their heads turned towards the voice. "There you are."

"Evette. You're back." He kissed his girlfriend reluctantly before continuing. "Uh, Ellie. This is Evette. My girlfriend. She was just in Maui for a modeling shoot."

"Oh. That's. That's awesome." The hurt was painfully evident on her face, but it didn't matter.

"So this is The Ellie. I've heard so much about you."

"Yeah? It's..it's great to meet you." _Funny, because I never heard a word about you._

"Stay for dinner. I just ordered sushi and there's more than enough for all of us. Let me just go through some clothes on."

"Okay" Ellie laughed nervously. Scratch that, she wasn't nervous. She was pissed. "She seems nice. Very nice."

It was Craig's girlfriend. His girlfriend that she didn't know existed was standing in the room, in nothing but a towel, ruining the perfect moment she was about to share with the man she's loved since high school. How could she have let herself be as happy as she was hanging out with Craig on the beach? She should have known something was going to ruin it. Everything comes with a cost. She had to do something to feel better, and soon. She needed to hurt herself because she shouldn't have been stupid and naïve enough to believe that she could be happy. But she couldn't leave or Craig may suspect something. Instead she asked to use the bathroom.

Inside, she took her razor from the day's hiding place. Taped to the inside of her bra. She was thankful her dress stayed down enough to hide her thighs. She knew she didn't have all of her supplies; she had no bandaids or butterfly stitches. This would have to be shallow. Instead of one or two fairly deep cuts she made a small cluster. So many so close together almost looked like a scrape. She pressed toilet paper down until she stopped bleeding and threw the bloodied paper into the toilet. She watched as the water turned pink with her blood. Her pain. And then she flushed it down. _Time to act like a normal, functional, person._


End file.
